love life, live daily and rock eternally

So those of you who have read Mike's journals know that he and i are no longer together.
Yes i broke it off, yes i am a world class bitch, yes i deserve to be the suicidal one not mike....
I dont want your sympathy i know i dont deserve it.
But here is more or less what happened then you can judge whether to boil me in hot oil or just bar me from your friends list.

A couple of weeks ago i had another almighty row with my folks who then promptly kicked me out the house, so seeing as Mike is so far off and My best friend who just happens to be the ex featured in some of my previous journals was closer and offering free shelter i decided to run to him and got as far as my father's boat in the next town where he begged me to stay until i had calmed down.
so i did, nearly a week went by and a good friend of the family popped his clogs, which led me back to my parents house for the funeral arrangements, I decided i needed a few days alone just a mini break somewhere where no one could find me, so i went and visited my ex, for the first time since i told him that i am in love with him earlier this year, following an incident last October, which led to Mike and I going on the infamous break.
Anyway long story short i was going to go and when i got back i was going to go back to mike, but on my last night something happened between Ant and i.
The fact of the matter is i am in gory horrible evil uncontrolled love with him and from personal experience i know that its torture being close enough to some one you love but knowing that they dont love you back i know this because Ant loves me only as a friend, i have changed since i met mike and i have been through quite a bit, i do still love mike very much just not in the same way, and i feel it would be unfair to led him on.
So my "excuses" arent that he is too good for me, I just think that he deserves someone whole, which i cant be for him right now.
Who knows what will happen in the future? i just feel that being on my own for a while is something that I have to do right now.
Mike knows that i would rather die than hurt him, and we are ( i hope) still friends.

so for those of you who have read this through to the end feel free to judge me
or ask questions...
either way i am terribly sorry for hurting Mike, and his is really the only opinion that counts to me right now.
sorry!

hi to everyone! i just thought i would update you on my boring life
I finished school on the 31 st of may for the summer.
Mike and i are on a break but still talking and are good friends,
i got kicked out of my parents house (third time in two years)
I passed my exams and i am going through to my next year of art school
i won 2 nd place in a painting competition
im mounting an exhibition, my first so i'm really nervous.

And last but definately not least in March the women who was my sister's godmother passed away from leaukimia(sp?)
she was a saint, one of the kindest women i have ever known and will ever have the honor of knowing, she always smelled of home cooking, cookies and bread, and in the spring fresh flowers,she was one of my mum's best friends,and was always incredibily sweet to my family.
Today i have found that an elderly gentleman who was actually a bit of a saucy old bugger, has passed away yesterday,
he was one of the few true blue, a real friend, always with a dirty joke and a scratch card at the ready, in lack of a scratch card
he always had a few euros in his hand with which he would get you to buy him some scratch cards.
He won abt as much as he lost, cursed constantly and smoked more than three chimneys put together.

Im writing all this because none of you knew these two, but i know that in these past few months humanity has sustained two great losses and i cant in good conscience leave you all to live your lives without knowing that.
I would like to take examples from both of these fine people.
Janet had a heart of solid gold and was the gentlest person ever.
Leslie had many many problems, but never let them get him down, he was always smiling, and made everyone in the room roll on the floor clutching their sides with laughter.

for my first journal back i was going to write one like my old ones, Today i was......
but this seemed more important.
I will write another journal and soon!
Hugs to everyone
XX

slowed down to a total stop, time freezes around me,
but the rest of the world is in fastforward mode.
feeling drained to the marrow, i know its hard to believe, but i dont care.
My crippled heart is bleeding tears of sorrow,
but i cant mend it,

I feel closed off from them.
who exactly i dont know,
they are everyone,
you included.
Am i going crazy?

Im so tired i just want to sleep, but i cant sleep
everytime i try, i cry, and now my pillow is wet.
small red stains, that spider web across the purest whiteness of the cotton.
do you remember when i was as white?
Now all i do is bleed.

blue tears stain my cheeks,
I'm deafen by the silence and the shrieks of confusion.
You are the only way i know,
Is it separation of that which is familiar that i fear so much ?
or is it really the truest deepest love that i thought i felt?

I wear my scars for everyone to see, and i wear theirs too.
they try and fill me with doubt and pain, so when i fall i'll be numb.
but it hasnt worked im numb now, did i fall?
I guess i did, as i look down i see myself on my hands and knees.

I closed myself off from the world, slowly shutting down
i was so tired and so confusion, but the inner turmoil was caged by the numbness in my heart.
You cut me open and asked for shelter.
Shelter i gave you, and warmth and i tried for love.

I wanted so much to give you that love,
to stop the hurt, to help you,
you deserve more than i could ever give you, i cocooned you,
your are now a beautiful butterfly, the image of the most wonderful person i know.

Im trying so hard not to hurt you, but i dont want to suffer anymore either.
If you want me so much let me go freely,
You ve been holding on so tight that my wings are crushed with the weight of your love.
Its not your fault, its because you have so much love to give, and that is nothing short of amazing.
I just want to be able to return that love.

My heart is racing, im shaking,
and my head is screaming.
I can see for the ocean of tears
softly hinted with the pink of my heart's pain.

I want to be strong again.
I dont want to keep bleeding,
Painting over the cracks and missing parts isnt working anymore.
I need time.


Im sorry.

I tried until i bled,
i swear i didnt want to hurt you,
i tried so many times so hard.
i tried.

i cant tell you how sorry i am,
i know ive been selfish, wanting time alone
what was i thinking,
I was only trying to find my way back to sanity.
to be a whole person for you,
to better myself for you,
but you wont let me.

I know i did wrong, and i tried to make it right by pushing you away,
so that i could rationalize it myself.
I cried so hard,
i cried with my head in my hands,
i cried until my eyes were sore and my head hurt
i cried until my tears were blood.

Im perfect you say, that makes it so much harder to explain my mistakes,
you dont want to hear them.
How can i make you understand that i am tired,
so tired.
i cant help it.
I have tried to be everything you want and need
i have tried to deserve you
but until i can give you my full heart and not just a shadow, i will never deserve you.
But you wont let me go, fight for my heart
You seem to like clinging on to the illusion, when all you are doing is making it harder for me
even when you swear that is the last thing you want.
My head hurt with the tears and the screams
the hollow echoes,
the irrational and illogical pleas of "why?"

Im a mega bitch,
And im making this clear right now so no crap starts flying around.
Mike and i are no longer together, and its all my fault.
So i wont be around for a long time.
I am sorry, and i wish it could have been avoided, but but shit happens and people fall out.
Im sorry.
But i wont be changing my mind.

just a bit of fiction but a story that's been playing around my head for a while.It is going to naturally make no sense.

Young sweet and innocent, i met you whilst protecting another from your charms.
Playing the protector/ warrior i for got my shield. Your charms enthralled me and i was powerless and in awe.
A few weeks of blissful ignorance passed, our friendship grew but it wasn't what it was.
You taught me and i loved you, our secrecy and stolen moments in the dark shadows of night were the brightness in my day.
and then i was no longer flavor of the month, and my beating heart was torn from my chest and instead of throwing to the ground,
you kept it, caressing it when you wanted affection, hearing my purr you squeezed as if trying to draw blood from a stone.
Causing me more pain than you can ever imagine.

For months after you were gone i tried to hate you, i made myself believe that i could hate you if i told myself the same lie over and over. but no.

That first beep, the song of the first bird of spring after the longest hardest winter, it awoke my heart and my soul stirred.
The signal of more songs to come, the promise that you hadnt forgotten and just moved on.

We spoke, we reminisced, we laughed, then i cried.
I had thought i was happy, i thought i was safe but i wasnt and i wont ever be will i?
You still have it locked away.
And all i have to give now is the shadow, the ghost, the smoke in front of the mirror.

But you keep it out of greed, not love, you dont love me, and wont ever. All i am to you is the forgotten shadow of the girl i was.
The tower and walls that fake the woman i am now, are nothing really, you made sure of that.
And when you see me, for no one else really sees me, my paper walls and cardboard tower fall at your feet and i am yours again.
Why cant i let you go?
What is it in your poison that has me hooked?

You give me those wonderful precious moments when i actually believe and then you break me down again.
Why do i live for the pain?
Why do i love you when i know you are flawed?

tell me how to quit you?
tell me what i must do to be free?

But i dont want to be free do i?
I love the fact that only you can make me laugh when I'm suicidal.
You bring me back from the edge, why do i need you?
i tell myself that im strong, but you know better dont you Mr. ominous.
You know when im lying, you know when i hurt, you actually see me, when others just see the mask.
But i tell myself again and again that you could never love me, you dont i know that why should i torture myself like this, because in the end its not your fault, you aren't doing this to me i am.
I keep running back, i can't find the strength to stand against you. Why not?
I'm overwhelmed by you, like the ocean, waves of confusion crash over my head, but amongst the chaos i see you, as if you were my siren, and in the second you see me everything seems alright.
There is no explanation, its pure insanity im sure. But im addicted.
You are my heroin and my cure.
You are my safety net and i know you will catch me every-time i fall.
And when you look into my soul i feel like i can walk on water, you give me strength.
I believe because of you.
I count the hours when you are gone, as i pretend for the sake of others.
When we say goodbye, i die a little. What if i missed you too much?

I close my eyes and see you, i tried so hard to hold on to you.
It hurts to want everything and nothing all at once.
I've been acting like a child i know. I've been selfish and angry, and i always take it out on you.
But i do it because only you know where all the pieces fit. Only you and glue me back together.

Tears freeze on my cheeks as i sit under the frosty sky. I know i choose my pain but....I'm lost without you
you arent my excuse to cry you are my excuse to smile.

I dare not tell you this as i dread my love for you tearing our friendship to pieces. I can imagine the fat rosy cheeked
cherubs ripping and tearing at our secret bond. I can undo the secret by telling you but i cant make you forget what i have said.

Do you remember our fairy-tale kiss? No i know you dont, but i do, up in the tallest tower of the castle i felt the ground fall away beneath me, all that existed was our bond, i could live in that moment forever and tell myself that it was love, i would convince myself that you cared.
You make me feel naked, and reborn, feeling your eyes on me makes me shiver.
I watched you sleep, in your peace i told you how much i loved you, but that doesn't count, i then listened to your breathing, and heard the way our hearts beat to the same rhythm, in that moment i had perfect peace.
These thoughts bring me to tears.
I am supposed to be happy now, please leave me.....
I guess this is futile, and my heart will remain as it is, the little pieces in your hands, funny isn't it? How you can glue the rest of my together, but the glue just wont stick to those fragments.
You will probably never read this, so i will end it here for fear of drowning my keyboard. I will think of you, i will remember you always.

Hi dudes and dudettes!

so much has happened since i moved out of my parents house! but it strangely seems like only yesterday!
so quick recap
school is amazing,
changed best mates,
argued with family,
made up with family,
went to england for xmas,
met up with mike in england,
mike came to france,
had two more horses arrive at my parents house.
ermmmmm....
cant remember what else.
(if i do i'll post again later.....)
so as part of the title of this journal might suggest or at least hint im taking photography classes as part of my course and i am going to start posting the 'briefing' that the class has been given and then i will post my proposition, and i would love all types of feedback especially from those who are experienced in photography!

anyway im running off for a lovely bubble bath!
have a great evening guys and i will try to get back on later!
XXXX
Angel

two weeks of coming back to find myself with hundreds of forum posts to catch up on is too much on top of some personal reasons, i am leaving buzznet for awhile, i know i have played with the idea previously but i am deadly serious now, so hugs and kisses all, i will be back as soon as possible, probably around halloween.
Love you guys, you have my best wishes always and i will try and pop in once or twice before hand!
:)

so im off to my apartmento today which means, i wont be around for the next couple weeks!
yes i did mean to say apartmento its not a typo!
i might try to relay some interesting news (should i have any) through mike :)
so have a good time without me :( ..........;( im gonna miss you all so much xxxxx
* runs off crying

fair forewarning!!
yes i am insane, yes this is completely mad, yes i should probably be on meds but i drink far too much, no im not drunk now, yes i am allowed an off day, this is my way of venting, dont expect to make any sense of it please dont try and interpret it! there really is no point.fuck english grammar!

mumbling, whispering hide me in the shadows so the stick men dont get me,
i ca see them sings the crow, no wait mockingbird, no raven..the silence is heavy so music blasts
from the speakers,can it be called music? or is it just plain ole' catterwalling she sings of lost live and mistaken identity, can they see me yet?
cry myself to sleep as i reach for you but its too far, no they cant see me.
the sound shattered, the silence dropped on some poor bugger's foot, he hops as they shout, you are not necessary they call, their words agitate the shiny feathers.
black snow, the birds sit on the clouds calling down their laughter to the passing mortal actors,
that's the secret isnt it, just going through the motions, there is no hope for today, why should you care, you're gone,
ahh! damn a toe slipped into the light, frizzled and fried, can they smell the cooking flesh?
no its not mine, i lay here all alone, sweating blood and bleeding tears, but i wont cry.
NEVER let them see you cry, its their victory, dont let them win, please dont let them be right.
strenght.
hide the cracks with toothpaste, they will not notice the minty scent
they hunt blood only the red rivers attract their attention.
red red red rivers hiding under your skin, you have fallen victim to them, i wont, i replaced the blood with vodka
and gin and tequila, and tar.
drink til you forget why you came here then it all becomes so clear, you never belonged in their world

fair forewarning!!
yes i am insane, yes this is completely mad, yes i should probably be on meds but i drink far too much, no im not drunk now, yes i am allowed an off day, this is my way of venting, dont expect to make any sense of it please dont try and interpret it! there really is no point.fuck english grammar!

mumbling, whispering hide me in the shadows so the stick men dont get me,
i ca see them sings the crow, no wait mockingbird, no raven..the silence is heavy so music blasts
from the speakers,can it be called music? or is it just plain ole' catterwalling she sings of lost live and mistaken identity, can they see me yet?
cry myself to sleep as i reach for you but its too far, no they cant see me.
the sound shattered, the silence dropped on some poor bugger's foot, he hops as they shout, you are not necessary they call, their words agitate the shiny feathers.
black snow, the birds sit on the clouds calling down their laughter to the passing mortal actors,
that's the secret isnt it, just going through the motions, there is no hope for today, why should you care, you're gone,
ahh! damn a toe slipped into the light, frizzled and fried, can they smell the cooking flesh?
no its not mine, i lay here all alone, sweating blood and bleeding tears, but i wont cry.
NEVER let them see you cry, its their victory, dont let them win, please dont let them be right.
strenght.
hide the cracks with toothpaste, they will not notice the minty scent
they hunt blood only the red rivers attract their attention.
red red red rivers hiding under your skin, you have fallen victim to them, i wont, i replaced the blood with vodka
and gin and tequila, and tar.
drink til you forget why you came here then it all becomes so clear, you never belonged in their world

hi hope everyone is great ,,,,yadda yadda yadda,
now down to the nitty gritty,

im flattered just like anyone else would be when im added as a favorite by someone, but at the same time it drives me mad, i really want to know everyone that has added me as a fave, send me a message or drop a note or a comment, its driving me nuts!!!
please , those who know me well know that my sanity is already in question, so if you do actually give a toss abt me please step forward, and i'll add you back as a fave!
hugs and kisses xxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxx

hi hope everyone is great ,,,,yadda yadda yadda,
now down to the nitty gritty,

im flattered just like anyone else would be when im added as a favorite by someone, but at the same time it drives me mad, i really want to know everyone that has added me as a fave, send me a message or drop a note or a comment, its driving me nuts!!!
please , those who know me well know that my sanity is already in question, so if you do actually give a toss abt me please step forward, and i'll add you back as a fave!
hugs and kisses xxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxx

so i was tagged by stinchey who was tagged by catiag, who was tagged by lexi who was tagged by seb who had something to do with bree telling him to do it!


rules are similar to those of 8 random things.
give us your top 10 celeb crushes
you must use pics
you must tag 10 more people who havent yet been tagged.
you must also in form those lucky few that have been tagged!

so
10.
Christian Bale


9.
Will Smith


8.
Spanky the monkey!!


7.
James Marsters


6.
David Boreanaz


5.
Colin Farell


4.Pete Wentz


3.
Daniel Craig (in those trunks eeeeeeeeek! :D)


2.
Johnny Depp
/

1!!!!.
ok so i'm cheating a bit but i can seriously think of no one more gorgeous than this person
he's my celebrity



ok so who i tageth iseth,
Yesme,Millieann282000,Goldbrickdreams,Lecalvar,Kiastar67,Pyro1000,Claymore,Luciexxx,Xpoisenxxisx,
Rockinponda!
geteth on witheth iteth! sorry folks my photos arent working i will do my best to rectfy this and if all fails i will post them as ordinary pics!

im not sure im doing this right and those who i tag im sorry in advance!
so 8 random things abt me.
1) Im actually very scary (ask mike or cam!), ok maybe not too scary but im hard to live with.
2)i love green olives
3)my brother has lost my bluetoth usb key so i cant add my photos anymore
4)i swear way to much
5)ive been depressed recently
6)i HATE writing about myself
7)i pull weird faces and make strange sounds whenever i feel like it.
8)Im unpredictable






So i now tag....
Yesme,Lexidiem,Starsaftersunset,Claymore,Goldbrickdreams,Millieann282000,Kiastar,Luciexxx.
ok now youse lot, what you have to do is, you have to write a blog telling people 8 random things about yourself
at the end you name/tag 8 more people to do this journal, weeeeeee fun huh?
apparently Mark is insisting participation, so get to it people!
::HUGS::
those regretting knowing me now for this, speak to Hungoverandunder (aka Mike whom i love and adore, but wont be talking to for a while for making me talk abt myself!!!)

so i had the apartment,
had shopped for furniture,
all that was left was for my folks to sign for possesion.

Then i get a phone call, the previous tenant conveying the landlady's wishes to have the papers signed earlier.
I said ok we'll be up at the weekend because my parents are away for the week.

2Hrs later, I get another phone call, same bloke saying that he had just let someone else take the apartment.
*comence swearing ............................................................................................ ............................................................................................ ...................................................................................................... ................................................................................................. ....................................................................................... .................................................................................................. .............................................................*finish swearing, but only
for a while.
i told him that he really shouldnt have done that. But i didnt swear at him down the phone as i didnt think it would help matters. So keeping my cool i listened as he blabbered his false apologies.
He said he knew how i was feeling as he had been victim to the same kind of turnaround when he was searching for a flat. For some reason this broke my self control, i said that he should never have done it, and by doing it he proved himself to be without honor.
At this he actually started shouting at me, asking who i was to judge him.
At this i hung up, not needing anyone else in my life to start shouting at me.


But today i got tipped 10 euros at work, and i went out last night, and will be going out on friday. So the rest of the week seems to be making up for it.



I am sorry for having been avoidy and in a mood.
It wasnt a reflection on people here,
just with little contact with anyone except mike, stinchey and clay. I was feeling a bit like the outsider, though i acknowlegde that being avoidy hasnt helped at all.
if i can stay i will, but i doubt that i will be around except for on weekends.
Anyway, hugs and kisses to everyone!

P.S. if the person who recently added me would like to send me a P.M. so i know who they are, i would be very happy because currently not knowing is sending me gogo!
More hugs.

do not expect any kind of grammar i can not be arsed!

fore warning over:





I'M MOVING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i found an apartment yesterday so that is that, its tiny but has really nice windows and a large(ish) bathroom.
So there we go folks.
Downside i will be on buzznet even less than recently, as it has been pointed out by a friend that i havent been on the forum for a while.
so maybe a small explaination, STOP reading now if you dont want to read me whittling on.

I've been in a funny mood recently, I definately dont intend any offence to anyone, but i have been avoidy.
human contact hasnt been high on my list, most likely because of my problems with my family.
This is what i do i go sit in my corner and sulk. Well not quite sulk, but i keep to myself more when i'm unhappy.
I have been considering leaving buzznet(yes i know i've said that before but last time i had very little choice, and instead of doing what i was supposed to i have complicated things for myself).
So this time yes it is for real, those who dont like me, you will finally be getting rid of me. Those who do, i will miss you, but secluding myself when i feel like an outsider is part of my nature. No one in particular has made me feel excluded here on buzznet, you are all really wonderful people,( warning i'm going to whinge!!!) but when i do post on the QotD no one responds, i used to try and make valid points, but that got screwed out the window so i havent bothered posting recently, whats the point if no one will read what i write( Mike before you say something you dont count on that point).
Anyway in the apartment i probably wont have internet so i wouldnt be on much anywhoitswhatsits.
Nothing is decided but i keeping people up to date on the unimportant boring facts of my exsistance, so there you go.
If i do decide to go i'll say cheerio in another journal.
but one way or another i will be absent soon enough, even if its just for a little break.
i hope everyone who has read to this part is well, and happy :)
::HUGS::

hello to all
i realised that i hadnt typed up anything for a while so i thought i would.
this is just an update really for those that arent really that close to me but fancy knowing what im up to anyway.

I fell hard for Mike aka hungover
we are very very happy, and i love him intensely.
Thats the happy over with, other than that, i got kicked out of school, or rather politely asked to find something else to do.
So then i found myself a place in an art school.
Im currently looking for an apartment.
Im arguing with my family more than ever.
i hate work the girl i work with is driving me nuts
and most of the kids are nightmares, because one will set another off and then all havoc breaks loose.
Im tired and im not sure why, i havent been getting much sleep but i never do usually so im not sure
possibly just catching up with me.
other than that, im spending most weekends alcohol comatose and with friends as to avoid the parental units.
keeping myself busy in most ways.
i caught a load of fish out of an old couples pond, with their permission! they are moving back to england so we are inheriting their 150+ fish.
i dont know what else to write for now, any other comment or questions as to my activities are welcome!
::HUGS::

someone has added me as a fave! yay!
thank you
i have sent out a bulletin but apparently they dont read them
it happened abt a week ago
it will drive me nuts if this person doesnt tell me who the hell they are
I love you all you know this, but it isnt mike and it isnt cam
so who are you???????
please tell me because it will send me round the bend im afraid!
::HUGS::

I saw a peacock with a firey tail,
i saw a blazing comet drop down hail,
i saw a cloud with ivy circled round,
i saw a great oak creep on the ground,
i saw an ant swallow up a whale,
i saw a raging sea brim full of ale,
i saw a venice glass sixteen foot deep,
i saw a well full of men's tears that weep,
i saw their eyes all in a flame of fire,
i saw a house as big as the moon and higher,
i saw the sun even n the midst of night,
i saw the man who saw this wonderous sight.
Anon.
my favourite poem, i love the imagery so much i illustrated it.